Disappointments

If you’re reading this, even thought you saw such a lame, depressing and meaningless title, maybe you’re so bitter as I am.

This morning I’ve reached a terrifying realization. I was waiting for my train, full of workers, single moms and unemployed midle-aged mens, to get to my meaningless job, reading such a meaningless book that doesn’t entertain me at all. A book just like any other book you pick up from a blockbuster-library, sees the cover, and automatically knows what it’s about and how it’s gonna end, without adding anythink for your intellectual being.

Today I’ve realized how many months I’ve spent without reading a good book, without watching a meaningful movie, without draw something. My god, I’ve spent so much time doing nothing really great, that I can’t remember how to draw or write. Even my english is worst.

The truth is that I’ve been blind by happiness. I’ve got an well payed job, I’ve been working on my health, I’ve even got this fabulous guy, who cares about me like anyone else. So, my energies, my attention, all of me have been so focused on the good part of my life, that I’ve forgot that I still have too many things to improve and accomplish.

I hope I have what I need to balance things off. I wanna run like a crazy person after the things I think will make me happy in a couple of years from now, without giving hand of the things that are making me happy now. I don’t want to feel that I’m not empty enough to be an good artist. But I don’t want to feel so complete, and became mediocre.

All I’ve been asking today, is to have time enough to set things up.

I Don’t Need, I Just Want.

I woke up this morning thinking of you. Wondering how was your last night, if you’ve slept well, if you’ve missed my weight on your shoulder. This morning was completely different of every morning in the past three years only because of you, and it hurts. It hurts when I see myself waiting for you and never see you coming. It hurts when I realize that I’m counting on you for my life finally happen, and you do nothing.

I’m in love with an idea of you. I’m in love with an idea of having you around, making me laugh, taking me to the movies, walking barefoot with me, kissing me, taking me to meet your mom, messing with my hair, been a completely idiot with me, saving me from my unsolved problems. Because while I’m in love with an idea, you’re perfect. You’re just this funny-as-hell guy who can change my mood anytime you want to with no big effort, and who can be sweet without even thinking about it and says stuff like: “I’m missing talking to you” or “What have you cried about?” like you really care. But an idea isn’t enough.

What I’m trying to say to you is that I’m accepting you exactly the way you are, because I’m thinking it’s worthwhile. Because I don’t mind if you’re perfect or human, and I don’t want you to change for me. I wanna fight with you, I wanna stare at you with an ugly face when I get angry, I wanna have no money with you and find a way to have fun at home. I just wanna be with you. And I just want you to be yourself with me.

So I’m not skinny, funny or pretty like your girlfriends, but I’m the only one who loves you deeply and honestly. And I have two things that you’ll never find on them: a brain and a heart. This brain  can laugh of any of your smart jokes and understand any of your movements. And this heart can handle with everything for me and for you, anytime. I swear.

 

 

What Would Make You Happy?

If I had the chance to disappear  for a whole day, I think I would run away to the woods or to a small provincial european town.

Someplace where nobody knows me, and where no one would miss me when I’m gone. A place where I could really be myself and just hear my own voice.

There I could find out who I really am and what I really need to feel complete. I could be happy and do the little things that I like without having to listen to anyone.

I could talk alone or with animals and stones, without being called crazy. I could gorge on sweets without worrying about clothes or weight. I could lose hours for returning  home. I could get rid of anger and grief. I could dance without music. I could sing out a song that nobody likes. I could walk barefoot. I could pretend that life is perfect. I could pretend to put my life in hands of fate, and now I have no responsibility.

I could feel free.